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CBU Exam Season Horoscopes

Aries  (March 21 – April 19)


You will decide to try a new diet this week called intermittent fasting. It’s when you go fourteen hours forgetting to consume anything but coffee and water and then order a large pep n’ cheese pizza to yourself.


Taurus  (April 20 – May 20)


This is the time to dwell on imagined slights from the previous twelve months. Make sure you don’t let your review sessions get in the way of obsessing over the way your former best friend treated you that one time.


Gemini  (May 21 – June 20)


Nobody can expect you to study in an untidy environment. Spend a few hours tidying your room up and doing some household chores that you’ve been neglecting. OK, all set to study – but first, after all that work, you deserve a break. Turn on the TV and relax for a while.


Cancer  (June 21 – July 22)


Now might be the perfect time to start the novel you’ve been planning.


Leo  (July 23 – August 22)


Alright, t-minus four hours until the exam. Now is the perfect time to e-mail your professor about those lingering questions you have.


Virgo  (August 23 – September 22)


The marks for this class are curved, right? … Right??


Libra  (September 23 – October 22)


Next year you’re really going to blow this thing out of the water, 90’s in every class.  You can’t wait to get these exams over and done with because next year, next year you’re going to be top of the class. Next year.


Scorpio  (October 23 – November 21)


Notes recopied – check. Colour-coded – check. Arranged according to chapter – check. Time for a break.


Sagittarius  (November 22 – December 21)


A good study strategy will be to spend hours calculating the exact percentage you need on your final in order to pass the course – make sure to also examine the percentages you’ll need to achieve a 60, 70, and 80 as well. If you’re thinking about making a 90 chances are you’re using your time differently. Lucky number: 50. (If you’re in nursing – 65.)


Capricorn  (December 22 – January 19)


So what if you’ve finished everything in Netflix’s ‘Just Added’ category? That’s why there’s a ‘Watch It Again’ category ya big dummy. As long as your parents or ex doesn’t decide to change the password – we know you’re not paying for it yourself – you’ll be able to continue your studying well into the eighth season of Shameless.


Aquarius  (January 20 – February 18)


Good luck.


Pisces  (February 19 – March 20)


Did you know that you can get six months of Amazon Prime free as a study? That means six months of Amazon Prime Video as well. Now is the perfect time to leave behind the well-trodden avenues of Netflix and move on to greener pastures. Classes are over after all, what else have you got to do?

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